I'm finally here

But the first chapter of our new life is an empty one

Hey Joseph, I just want to start off by saying -- thank you for all your letters to me.

Feel free to listen to the same track I did making this post.

I feel bad not writing back sooner. I wish I was able to carve out the time, but as you know it’s just been so chaotic; finals week, traveling, chronic insomnia, and now handling a massive influx of online bullying. I expected some additional online attention, but was not prepared for all that came.
The name-calling has negatively impacted my mental health more than I’m willing to admit. I would be lying if I said there weren’t nights where I lay in bed at 4am thinking… “I’ve made a mistake, I don’t deserve this, and I need to act quickly for damage control.” To leave you, to leave this earth.

How did we end up here?

In the same place, at the same time?

…

Your post about our relationship dynamic… An asexual and a hypersexual -- especially given I don’t share your gay orientation either… I wasn’t sure if people would believe this is even possible. I can say that I am surprised to see there were others who were able to relate, others who shared similar relationships.
Ace acceptance has come a long way. I am very happy for that because for a long time… I didn’t even feel like the LBGTQ+ community welcomed or understood “us”.

But I can’t ever understand how neglected you feel physically or psychologically, being with someone who is Ace, as all I know is my own experience. I can only imagine what the future will hold for both of us to navigate this barrier. I will always feel like I owe you in ways I will never be able to live up to. There’s a reason why I’ve been afraid to enter relationships in my life… and as the years piled up, the penalty for this avoidance became prolonged desolation.

So when you proposed, a lot rushed through my mind. I had to quickly assess all the possible ways this could go.

You told me you finally saw a light in your future… a spark that was lit meeting me.

Nobody has ever truly seen me that way before. You’ve been very respectful of my boundaries when I communicate and set them. I can’t say this even for some of my close friends & family. I am not used to someone listening when I speak, and hearing what I say. My entire life I have been… silenced, ignored, or neglected. Everywhere.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."

- Bob Marley

I am Asexual. I am totally cool wearing the virgin pin to my grave. I understand this is divergent from the norm. I don’t have a desire to see, touch, or think about human plumbing. I understand this is also divergent from the norm.

However, not unlike other Aces, I’m not repulsed by intimate media in general. Sure, I think sex scenes in movies are pointless and distract from the plot and I’d personally omit them, but I can still appreciate sexual and sensual forms of art. After all, it is entertainment.

Being the aUtIsTiC adult that I am, I might not experience music the same way other people do, but I still get the vibes. Dreampop is very easy-listening and known for being openly sensual/sexual.

Romance options in RPGs might be be the best part of the story [RIP: Dragon Age].

When you described me briefly remove my shirt for laundry… I didn’t think anything of it in that moment. I can’t be upset that you are satisfied with my physical manifestation, although the irony of my appearance being wasted on an Asexual is not lost on me.

Although “jacked” isn’t the best descriptor here. Appreciate the compliment, but if you must, “lean” or “toned” would have been just fine. I’ve been using a wheelchair for quite a while now and I’ll be damned if rolling uphill wouldn’t have me ripped one day though!

In any case, I didn’t grow up in a bubble. I’ve been a member of society for three decades; I am aware that sex exists, I see it everywhere, I acknowledge its value in bringing me to life. I guess maybe this is all fine and even interesting to me, because I feel like an outsider looking in? Like an observer of a life I will never get to live? Like being at an aviary, seeing some stunning exotic animals in their natural habitat, flying free with wings I do not have? Experiencing pleasure so unknown to me?

Or maybe it’s for the best that I don’t know any better?

It seems to have caused so much trauma in your own life. Trauma you are still struggling to put behind you. I notice the tears in your eyes even when you don’t realize they’re visible to me. I feel your suffering even though I cannot comprehend it.

So I’m not sure what you saw in me when we spent time together, before you built up the courage to propose. I suppose the symbolism doesn’t matter much, as being with a good partner -- you’re dating them for life anyway.

What is true is that we have long days ahead of us. I look forward to seeing you in-person again after the dust has settled. In the meantime, I will try my best to make this long distance relationship feel as close as possible, by following in the footsteps of your love language, and writing back to you about my life and lived experience.

All yours for the time being, [virtually]
~Alex

P.S. haven’t bought red cabbage since. Maybe one day I will find a cure and be able to enjoy it again. I’ll keep you in the loop.